and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
