I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
