so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
