two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize