I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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