i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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