watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
