onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
