When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
