i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
