My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize