I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
