Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
