It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
