Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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