I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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