it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Drake has all the answers
Your penis caused this!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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