he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
