She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
