just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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