He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
