He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
