I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize