I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
