shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
