my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
