I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
