Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
