Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
