I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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