can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
