I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it glows. i had to have it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
