I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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