All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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