I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
