My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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