my vag is so smooth its legendary
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
