i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
