I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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