I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
