I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
