How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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