Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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