yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
