Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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