It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
