why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
