well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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