So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
