My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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