i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
