I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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