i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
