If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
