Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
