Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
