i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize