Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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