Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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