are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
