I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
